I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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