Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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