Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
