My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
