I'm jealous of your bromance
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
