On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
