I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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