i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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