she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
