You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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