you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
