Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
