Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
it's great music for shaving your balls
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
