my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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