I murdered the dance floor call the cops
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
