im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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