Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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