life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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