Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
