I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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