Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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