the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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