You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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