It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
