Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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