When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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