you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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