life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
