I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
