She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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