Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
