Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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