WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
