i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
