my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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