The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
