So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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