I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
