why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
