Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The beers last night were like the tears from god
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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