so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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