Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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