The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
What a dumb baby whore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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