??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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