Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
