I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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