exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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