Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
