Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Randomize
