Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Is Oprah even human
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
