xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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