If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
