I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
