Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
