the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
