I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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