I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
