I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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