Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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