my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you will always have a special place in my vag
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
