I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
