i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
