My Higher Power is John Stamos
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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