he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
