And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
