i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
