Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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